Bad Pun Wednesday

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see that her name is is Patricia Whack.

He says, “Ms. Whack, I ‘d like to take out a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial sum and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there that claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, “But they are twins -if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family.

So, he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a solution.

“That’s quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the business details and you’ll have plenty of time at home.”

The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process.

Six months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but the scientist cautioned him, “Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren’t completely perfected yet.”

“Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency toward foul language.”

The executive didn’t blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as his clone took over the office.

It wasn’t long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting and suing for sexual harassment.

The double’s foul mouth had offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters.

The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words literally poured out of the genetically-engineered garbage mouth.

He must have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him.

The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the executive demanded to know the charge.

“That should be obvious, sir,” the cop said. “You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall.”