Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church.

Well, Bill went out bought some paint and started painting the church.

He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint.

The paint was too thin cover well, but Bill still kept on painting.

All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, “Repaint and thin no more.”

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera… One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn’t find it: it had completely vanished.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:  Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts – Hattie and Sophia – who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, “Big Bill” was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn’s aunts.

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

“Oh my goodness, I’m sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back into its socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman offered to drive him home. “But it’s over an hour out of your way,” the man said. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Not at all,” she said. “I’m looking forward to it.”

The guy was amazed and flattered. “You know, you’re the perfect woman,” he said. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “you just happened to catch my eye!”

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog.

Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).

A bunch of ravens had their nests near by — about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They’d fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they’d all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn’t get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge.

When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the hay bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up — and the ram ran straight into the bailer.

He came out the other side in a mangled package.

Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with…. two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog’s brazen ram.

Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown.

They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie’s mansion at the edge of town.

But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were suprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn’t get in.

Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie’s tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.

However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise.

Neighbors leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbors replied:

“Simon and Garth’s uncle’s big chauffeur’s troubled Walter.”

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”