Author Archives: epjenkins

Church Painter Pun

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church.

Well, Bill went out bought some paint and started painting the church.

He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint.

The paint was too thin cover well, but Bill still kept on painting.

All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, “Repaint and thin no more.”

Shut-up Stupid People

Friends, I try not to get too serious on this blog. I try to have fun, maybe make you laugh or at least crack a smile.

But sometimes, things happen that ain’t funny.  Things that happened in my very own state of Arkansas that I need to talk about.  What happened was this:

A woman named Eva Hicks was shopping at a Wal-Mart in Centerton, Arkansas. That is in the Northwest part of the state.

She asked a lady to please move so she could get by and the old bat went off on her and another lady who commented on her behavior.  I’ll not repeat it all here, you can watch the video.  Spoiler alert: Jerkface McRacist (I don’t know her real name, but this fits) gets invited the leave by the management of Wal-Mart.

I’m guessing Jerkface McRacist is not a smart, educated woman. I bet you a trip to Branson (with Bald Knobbers tickets) that the only 100 percent this woman ever got on a test involved her peeing on a stick.

I want people to know, we are all not like this in Arkansas. Most people I know are good, decent folks.  And I am tired of the few folks who make us look like racist, stupid hicks by being…racist, stupid hicks.

If you are a racist jerkstick who thinks you are better than others because of the melanin level of your skin, just do us all a favor and do the following:

  1. Shut-up.
  2. Think and ponder for a moment about what you are going to say.  Then just shut-up.
  3. Just shut-the-hell-up.

If I don’t like you, I am judging you because you are a jerk and not because of the color of your skin or what country your ancestors came from.

Ok, I’ll also judge you for what music you listen to, wearing male rompers, and not liking dogs.

If you are a good person, you are golden with me.

As I type this, I have no idea who this woman is. But here is her photo:

Jerkface McRacist

Someone knows her.  Make her famous folks.  Show the video to your kids as an example of how NOT to act.

Little man disease, or banty rooster syndrome. Or, why are you so mad little fella?

I don’t want to make you short guys with Little Man Disease mad, but what is your problem little fella?

Some you y’all may be asking, “Elwood, what is Little Man Disease?”. Well, it is sometimes called banty rooster syndrome.  Banty roosters are little bitty, but stay madder than a Mexican feminist at a Donald Trump rally.

Not all short dudes have LMD.  Some are just normal guys that need some help with stuff on the top shelf.

Guys with LMD got a chip on their shoulder. Sometimes they try and make up for it by being mean and onery.

We got a guy here in the Magnolia Blossom Trailer Park named Pee Wee Merrill.  Pee Wee’s real name is Bret.  He wears a lot of Tap Out and Ed Hardy t-shirts about three sized too small. Which is weird, because he is so little I figure he must buy them in the little boy section to get them that tight.  He spikes up his hair with a lot of hair goop and struts around like he is able to wrestle a bear.

Most fellas with LMD are kind of like Pee Wee.  Most are under 5′ 6″, and can be spotted spitting, twitching, swearing, speaking loudly and talking tough. They usually can be seen driving big, jacked-up pick-up trucks. Which is kind of funny because they ain’t getting up there without a step or ladder.

Sometimes, they will threaten a bigger guy.  Usually, the bigger guy just laughs which makes the little feller really mad.

One time Pee Wee got fired because he heard his boss say that they were short-handed at the gym where he worked (little guys can often be found working in gyms) and took it wrong. He got in his bosses face and cussed him out.  He had to go get two steps from the aerobics room to do it, which made him even madder.  That’s not even why he got fired though.  What got him fired was falling off the aerobics steps and landing on his bosses wife.  You can’t just fall on your bosses wife and not expect consequences.

Now, if any of you little fellers read this and get all mad, just send me a video telling me about it. Its just so danged cute!

Bad Pun Wednesday: Of Mice & Men

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera… One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn’t find it: it had completely vanished.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:  Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Bad Pun Wednesday: Philadelphia Story

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts – Hattie and Sophia – who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, “Big Bill” was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn’s aunts.