Monthly Archives: December 2015

Beethoven’s Ninth


The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.

Doc’s Daquari


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

A Visit From Lute Fenwick – A Trailer Park Christmas Poem


T’was a few days before Christmas and I was sittin’ in my trailer
I was eatin’ some cheese dip. It was the white kind, not yeller

I had just returned back home from a trip to the store
I ran out of corn chips and beer, and I needed some more

Scooter, my coondog, was curled up an snoozin’
He snores like my granny does when she does too much boozin’

Me in my gym shorts and stained wife-beater
Had just sat down to watch an episode of Cheaters

When outside the trailer, there was some terrible fuss
I jumped out of the recliner to see what it was

And what do you think it was I would see?
Why it was old Luke Fenwick running from some deputies

Luke was really haulin’ it, he always was a good streaker
I mean he wern’t wearnin’ nothing but a smile and his sneakers

And I was thinkin’, ‘He shouldn’t be doing this, Luke is too old’
Besides he was nekkid…and you could tell it was cold.

He was lively and quick, a really jolly old drunk
Till he slipped over a ice patch and fell down – ‘kerplunk!’

The deputies was all over him just like that
Like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat

You might think it was the end of Luke’s game
But he got all P-O’d and called the deputies names

“Hey bonehead! Hey loser! Yer all dumb as a log!”
I could tell you more of what he said, but this is a family blog

The lawmen there made sure Luke was cuffed
Then they took him to the car, in the backseat he was stuffed

As they drove off with Luke, I could just hear him say:
“I’ll be back! Nekkid again on New Year’s Day!”

A Frog Goes Into A Bank…

Bad Pun Wednesday

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see that her name is is Patricia Whack.

He says, “Ms. Whack, I ‘d like to take out a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial sum and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there that claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”