Cousin Turbo and Other People Who Don’t Facebook Right

I was in the Waffle House getting my scattered, smothered and covered on with my quarter cheese plate. I was minding my own dang business. Not bothering no one.

Then, my cousin Turbo Moline came through the door.  I was hoping Turbo wouldn’t see me, but it is kind of hard to be incognito sitting at the counter at a Waffle House. Especially when you are as gosh danged good looking as me.

Turbo is the kind of guy that believes anything and everything he reads on the Internet. Then, because you can’t keep that level of dumb bottled up inside, he feels the urge to send loads of crap to everyone on his Facebook friend’s list by either posting it to their profile, sending it in a message, or….and this one really makes me want to drop kick him into next week…by tagging me.

He comes up and sits beside me at the counter.

“Hey Turbo.”  See, I can be nice.

“Hey Elwood. Say did you see my post today?”

“Nope, I was doing important stuff this morning. Like, jabbing a rusty nail up my nose.” This statement didn’t even phase Turbo and he went on.

“You need to check your Facebook page Elwood. I posted a thing on your wall that will get you  $100,000 from none other than Bill Gates himself if you just repost it.”

“That ain’t true Turbo.  Everyone knows that ain’t true.”

Then Turbo said the thing all these kinds of boneheads say when they post stupid stuff like that, “Well, you never know.”

That is when I put him in a headlock and executed a figure-four on him that would have made the Nature Boy himself proud. I even gave a big ol’ “Whooooooo!”.   I can’t come back to Waffle House for a while, but my Waffle House bans are always temporary because I am a good tipper.

Numbnut Facebook posting offenders like Turbo almost always say “Well you never know” after they post stuff that makes outlandish claims.

Yes, dang it people you can know. I am pretty sure that just by sharing or re-posting something, that the following will not happen:

  • Bill Gates will not give you money
  • You will not get airline tickets
  • You will not get Disney tickets
  • The Almighty will not single you out for extra special financial blessings. Pretty sure God ain’t a genie granting wishes.

And another thing that I need all the boneheads out there to realize:

Just because I don’t re-post something does not mean I don’t love Jesus, America, our veterans, puppies and kittens, or that I don’t respect the flag!

Man, I feel better now.

Guess I better apologize to Turbo.

Maybe.  Naw.