How to survive your family at Thanksgiving


First before we get goin’, let me just give you folks a tip:  Do not EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. EVER.  No, I will not go any dang further.  Trust me, I just KNOW.

Well as you folks know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  You can always tell because the fake Christmas trees have been up for two months at the Wal-Mart store and all the Halloween stuff is on sale at 75% off.

Now, you people need to know that I love Thanksgiving.  That time of year when we all are thankful for all the blessings we have had through the year.  And what better way to show that thankfulness than getting together with those  people you only see once a year and still manage to get into a fight: Your family.

I am all for family.  In very small doses.  The best way to survive your family at Thanksgiving is to eat, then get them out of your home as quickly as possible.

Sometimes, it might be your turn to have Thanksgiving at your place  You need to get those folks out of your home as soon as possible so you can get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch.

Here are some tips for clearing out your home after Thanksgiving Dinner:

  • Don’t wait: Get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch.  They’ll get the hint.
  • Fill your plate up, and then take it to the kitchen, toss all of the food into the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
  • When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and then don’t say anything more.
  • Put the turkey in the middle of the table, then loudly exclaim “I hope this tastes like a turkey”.
  • Right in the middle of eatin’,  turn to your momma and say, “See momma, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was a month past expiration date. You were worried for nuthin’.”
  • Just say the words “Obama care”, then sit back and watch the argument explosion.
  • Put a fake severed hand inside the turkey.
  • Say “I just love pumpkin pie”  then make eye contact with whoever made the pie. Hold it for uncomfortably long.
  • Play “Wrecking Ball” out loud and gently weep as you mouth the words.
  • Tofurky