Monthly Archives: November 2015

Cousin Turbo and Other People Who Don’t Facebook Right

I was in the Waffle House getting my scattered, smothered and covered on with my quarter cheese plate. I was minding my own dang business. Not bothering no one.

Then, my cousin Turbo Moline came through the door.  I was hoping Turbo wouldn’t see me, but it is kind of hard to be incognito sitting at the counter at a Waffle House. Especially when you are as gosh danged good looking as me.

Turbo is the kind of guy that believes anything and everything he reads on the Internet. Then, because you can’t keep that level of dumb bottled up inside, he feels the urge to send loads of crap to everyone on his Facebook friend’s list by either posting it to their profile, sending it in a message, or….and this one really makes me want to drop kick him into next week…by tagging me.

He comes up and sits beside me at the counter.

“Hey Turbo.”  See, I can be nice.

“Hey Elwood. Say did you see my post today?”

“Nope, I was doing important stuff this morning. Like, jabbing a rusty nail up my nose.” This statement didn’t even phase Turbo and he went on.

“You need to check your Facebook page Elwood. I posted a thing on your wall that will get you  $100,000 from none other than Bill Gates himself if you just repost it.”

“That ain’t true Turbo.  Everyone knows that ain’t true.”

Then Turbo said the thing all these kinds of boneheads say when they post stupid stuff like that, “Well, you never know.”

That is when I put him in a headlock and executed a figure-four on him that would have made the Nature Boy himself proud. I even gave a big ol’ “Whooooooo!”.   I can’t come back to Waffle House for a while, but my Waffle House bans are always temporary because I am a good tipper.

Numbnut Facebook posting offenders like Turbo almost always say “Well you never know” after they post stuff that makes outlandish claims.

Yes, dang it people you can know. I am pretty sure that just by sharing or re-posting something, that the following will not happen:

  • Bill Gates will not give you money
  • You will not get airline tickets
  • You will not get Disney tickets
  • The Almighty will not single you out for extra special financial blessings. Pretty sure God ain’t a genie granting wishes.

And another thing that I need all the boneheads out there to realize:

Just because I don’t re-post something does not mean I don’t love Jesus, America, our veterans, puppies and kittens, or that I don’t respect the flag!

Man, I feel better now.

Guess I better apologize to Turbo.

Maybe.  Naw.




The Priestly Flower Shop


Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, “But they are twins -if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

How to survive your family at Thanksgiving


First before we get goin’, let me just give you folks a tip:  Do not EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. EVER.  No, I will not go any dang further.  Trust me, I just KNOW.

Well as you folks know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  You can always tell because the fake Christmas trees have been up for two months at the Wal-Mart store and all the Halloween stuff is on sale at 75% off.

Now, you people need to know that I love Thanksgiving.  That time of year when we all are thankful for all the blessings we have had through the year.  And what better way to show that thankfulness than getting together with those  people you only see once a year and still manage to get into a fight: Your family.

I am all for family.  In very small doses.  The best way to survive your family at Thanksgiving is to eat, then get them out of your home as quickly as possible.

Sometimes, it might be your turn to have Thanksgiving at your place  You need to get those folks out of your home as soon as possible so you can get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch.

Here are some tips for clearing out your home after Thanksgiving Dinner:

  • Don’t wait: Get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch.  They’ll get the hint.
  • Fill your plate up, and then take it to the kitchen, toss all of the food into the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
  • When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and then don’t say anything more.
  • Put the turkey in the middle of the table, then loudly exclaim “I hope this tastes like a turkey”.
  • Right in the middle of eatin’,  turn to your momma and say, “See momma, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was a month past expiration date. You were worried for nuthin’.”
  • Just say the words “Obama care”, then sit back and watch the argument explosion.
  • Put a fake severed hand inside the turkey.
  • Say “I just love pumpkin pie”  then make eye contact with whoever made the pie. Hold it for uncomfortably long.
  • Play “Wrecking Ball” out loud and gently weep as you mouth the words.
  • Tofurky



Idjit Award Nominee: The Judge That Don’t Know The Crocodile Hunter Is Dead

I am thinking of having Idjit awards because in a world full of idjits, some idjits just stand out.

Like the judge out in California that says that Bindi Irwin’s contract with Dancing With The Stars is no good because she is a minor and her daddy did not sign off on it.  Her daddy died in 2006 after getting crossways with a stingray. ( I remember it was a stingray, because I thought it was going to be a PO’d crocodile or a poisonous snake.)

People talked about it.  It was all over the news. It was kind of a thing.

This bubble-headed judge apparently don’t know they can look that kind of stuff up online.  You know, from news outfits that have a good reputation for reporting facts. You can be pretty sure is what I am saying.

Here is the story about the moron judge:

Court says Bindi must prove dad dead before ‘DWTS’ deal approved

I ain’t a legal eagle or nothin’, but I do know that sometimes facts are just kind of plain and you know..known.

Here are other things this rocket surgeon judge probably don’t know :

  • David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen
  • Water is wet
  • If you touch a hot stove, you will get burned
  • Telling a mad woman to “just calm down” is never a good idea
  • Drunk dialing your re-married ex is never a good idea either

So, if we find out the name of this bonehead on the bench, let’s all educate him or her on how to do a Google search. Or Bing, if you’re into that.

Foul Mouthed Clone


Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family.

So, he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a solution.

“That’s quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the business details and you’ll have plenty of time at home.”

The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process.

Six months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but the scientist cautioned him, “Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren’t completely perfected yet.”

“Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency toward foul language.”

The executive didn’t blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as his clone took over the office.

It wasn’t long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting and suing for sexual harassment.

The double’s foul mouth had offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters.

The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words literally poured out of the genetically-engineered garbage mouth.

He must have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him.

The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the executive demanded to know the charge.

“That should be obvious, sir,” the cop said. “You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall.”