Elwood’s Rules for Deer Camp

deer camp rules
Well, against my better judgment, I am taking my cousin Matthew with me to deer camp this weekend.
I swore I was never going to take him to the deer woods again after the last time we took him hunting.

He said he learned his lesson and would not be all high an mighty acting. He is bad ‘bout talking down to everyone about hunting because he watches Ted Nugent hunting shows and other shows on the Outdoor Network and thinks he knows everything about deer hunting.

I told him he gets one more chance and that he needs to remember the simple rules of deer camp.

Matthew said, “Oh,  you mean like a deer camp ‘etiquette’?”

After he said that, I had to stare at him with a flat gaze until he looked way.  Can’t have that kind of language at deer camp. Dang it, Ted, you need to cover that in your hunting show.

The Rules of Deer Camp

  1. Never EVER ask what is in the stew. Don’t even look at the stew too close. Just splash in some hot sauce, crunch up some crackers, shut your eyes and dig in. Friendships have been lost and people have been hurt because someone asked what was in the stew.
  2. Do not point out that someone is lying. Lying is not only tolerated in deer camp, it is expected. Some lies told at deer camp are so good even the liar believes ‘em.
  3. When lying about the deer you missed, you cannot add more than 4 points to the rack.
  4. Clothes must be worn at meals. We call this the “Fenwick Policy”. Thanks for that Lute.
  5. This is deer camp. We will be burping, pooting, cussing, spitting, smoking cigars, lying and drinking.  And that is just among the women. The guys tend to be more coarse.
  6. There are two accepted alcoholic beverages at deer camp: Whiskey and beer. Anyone found with a fine merlot will be beaten.
  7. No hunting while drunk!  I am serious about this one. Turbo Moline got peppered with buck shot last year because Lute Fenwick thought he looked like a 10-point buck after Lute downed a pint of Wild Turkey 101.  Tubro hit Lute so hard that his momma felt it.
  8. If you are a new member, we do not care how you did it in your old camp.
  9. All beer is considered community property. We all bring about 3 thirty pack cases each. No need to get fancy, cheap beer is fine.
  10. Hangovers are a legitimate excuse to sleep in.
  11. It is bad manners to point out that someone has told that joke before.
  12. Tipping the outhouse when someone is inside is grounds for execution.
  13. We stop hunting to watch football games.

Post your deer camp pictures over at my Facebook profile.