Halloween is comin’ up soon and once again we will be passing out candy to little trick or treaters dressed up as princesses and ghosts and goblins and super heroes.

I am a big fan of Halloween.  The one time of year you can knock on someone’s door and say “Trick or treat” and get some candy. Try that any other night of the year.  I did once and got carted off to jail for the night. I may have been drinking.

It just don’t work on June 7, but it does on October 31.

I give out good candy on Halloween.  You dress up good, say please and thank you and you will find that chocolate candy bars, Skittles and peanut butter cups might be in a handful of candy from ol’ Elwood.

I also give out bad candy on Halloween.  I reserve the bad stuff for rude kids, teenagers who don’t even wear a costume but still want candy, and people who knock on the door after I have turned out the lights and blowed the candle out in the jack-o-lantern.

I recommend the two-candy bowl system.  First, it teaches kids to not be jerks because I tell them why they are getting the bad candy.  Second, it makes some of them not come back next year. Third, I get a lot of free toilet paper some years.

So, if you want to provide the worst candy possible, here is my list of the worst Halloween candy:

Elwood’s List of Bad Halloween Candy

Good N Plenty – Are the good: No. Are they Plenty: Yes. There is where the problem lies.

Candy Corn – Candy corn is made from crushed dreams and wax.

Jelly Beans (that aren’t Jelly Bellies) – Jelly beans are nasty. And the black licorice ones are even nastier still.

Nothing says “Never knock on my door again” like a handful of Necco wafers.

Necco Wafers – Sweet chalk.  That’s it, just sweet chalk that sort of tastes like fruit.

Circus Peanuts – If Satan made a candy, this would be it.

Anything NOT candy – Fruit, spare change, toothbrushes, potted meat and Chick Tracks.