Monthly Archives: October 2015

Top Scary Movies (picked by 3 drunk fellers)


Me, Bobby Martinez and Luke Fenwick were all sitting around a table at Bubba’s Bar this last weekend.

We was talking about how come Goofy is able to drive, have a job and talk while Pluto can’t do any of those things. Goofy acts like a people type while Pluto acts like a dog. But they both look like dogs.

It just don’t make no sense.

Anyhow, we started talking about other stuff because it takes a bunch like us two pitchers of beer to figure out that we will just never know the answers to some questions in this lifetime.

With Halloween coming up and all, we started jawing about scary movies and come up with the

Scariest Movies (as picked by three drunk fellers).

The Shining
Jack Nicholson is married to Shelly DuVall. And if that ain’t scary enough, he goes crazy in this haunted hotel and tries to hack up Shelly and his creepy kid with a fire axe.

I saw this when I was a kid. For a few months after, I wouldn’t even run through a sprinkler much less go swimmin’ in the lake. If I ever do ‘The Best Crusty Old Sea Dogs Ever in a Movie’ list, Robert Shaw as Quint goes to the top of the list.

I Spit On Your Grave
For those of you who never saw this, you better get ready for some of the best 1970’s exploitation ever filmed. Let me just say this:

  • She gets revenge.
  • They have it coming to ‘em, and coming big time.
  • Knife. Bathtub. And every dude will cross his legs. Trust me.

Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

What you say? No way Elwood!

Yes way man.

Remember, these are the top 10 scariest movies picked by drunk fellers. When you’re hammered, those danged Oompa Loompas is scary, dude.

Plus, when you watch it as a grown-up now, Willie seems a little…funny. Funny in a “Chris Hansen telling you to go have a seat over there” kind of way.

 Texas Chainsaw Massacre 
THE classic! Leather Face and his messed up, in-bred cannibal family.  Tobe Hooper made this for about $300,000.  The dinner table scene is creepy as all get out.  Grandpa…sheesh.


John Carpenter launched the career of one Jamie Lee Curtis. She was a screamer.  Michael Myers is one of the scariest things to ever put on a William Shatner face since William Shatner.


Barbara Streisand. ‘Nuff said about that.

A Nightmare On Elm Street
The first one, and not that crappy remake they did a couple of years ago. Freddy Krueger is just plain scary here. In the movies after this, they tried to make him funny. In this one, he is one scary joker who makes a lot of teen sushi with that knife claw glove of his. Johnny Depp gets run through a bed that turns into a food processor.

That scene in the alley when his arms grow. That’ll give you a case of the shivers.

Plus it has those creepy kids singing:

Friday the 13th – All of ’em
Jason gets a hankering to make cutlets and filets out of a bunch of stupid kids. They basically just made the same movie over and over again. Which is AWESOME!

Here is a short run down of the Friday the 13th movies:

  • Friday The 13th – Momma did it. Creepy Jason boy jumps out of the water at the end.
  • Friday the 13th II – Jason starts slicing and dicing. Wears a pillowcase to cover the mush that makes up his face.
  • Friday the 13th III – Came out in 3D. Jason gets a hockey mask and chopper flicks get an icon.
  • Friday the 13th IV – Jason gets killed at the end by Cory Feldman Yes, Cory Feldman.
  • Friday the 13th V – Imposter Jason.
  • Friday the 13th VI – Jason comes back a psycho zombie.
  • Friday the 13th VII – Zombie Jason gets sucked off the bottom of the lake by a psychic chick. Jason goes shopping for teen yuppie meat.
  • Friday the 13th VIII – Zombie Jason gets on a cruise boat going to New York City and slices his way through Manhattan.
  • Friday the 13th IX – Zombie Jason gets blowed by the military up but you can’t keep a good zombie down.
  • Friday the 13th X – Zombie Jason gets thawed out in the future on a space ship and gets an upgrade. He ain’t happy.

The Thing

John Carpenter did this remake that was a lot scarier than the one from back in the 1950’s.

The one in the 1950’s had Marshall Dillon as the alien. The one from the 1980’s had a German shepherd head sprouting spider legs.

Creeeepy, scary and gory.

Kurt Russell at his tail-kicking best.

The Exorcist
Devil possessed kids is scary. Pea soup in the priest’s face. A little girl crawling down the stairs like a crazy demon spider crab child. And Linda Blair’s ugly made up face with those green funky eyes. Yeah, I won’t watch this one anymore.

So, if any of you single, available gals want to cuddle up with ol’ Elwood and watch a few of these you can send me an e-mail at



Elwood’s Rules for Deer Camp

deer camp rules
Well, against my better judgment, I am taking my cousin Matthew with me to deer camp this weekend.
I swore I was never going to take him to the deer woods again after the last time we took him hunting.

He said he learned his lesson and would not be all high an mighty acting. He is bad ‘bout talking down to everyone about hunting because he watches Ted Nugent hunting shows and other shows on the Outdoor Network and thinks he knows everything about deer hunting.

I told him he gets one more chance and that he needs to remember the simple rules of deer camp.

Matthew said, “Oh,  you mean like a deer camp ‘etiquette’?”

After he said that, I had to stare at him with a flat gaze until he looked way.  Can’t have that kind of language at deer camp. Dang it, Ted, you need to cover that in your hunting show.

The Rules of Deer Camp

  1. Never EVER ask what is in the stew. Don’t even look at the stew too close. Just splash in some hot sauce, crunch up some crackers, shut your eyes and dig in. Friendships have been lost and people have been hurt because someone asked what was in the stew.
  2. Do not point out that someone is lying. Lying is not only tolerated in deer camp, it is expected. Some lies told at deer camp are so good even the liar believes ‘em.
  3. When lying about the deer you missed, you cannot add more than 4 points to the rack.
  4. Clothes must be worn at meals. We call this the “Fenwick Policy”. Thanks for that Lute.
  5. This is deer camp. We will be burping, pooting, cussing, spitting, smoking cigars, lying and drinking.  And that is just among the women. The guys tend to be more coarse.
  6. There are two accepted alcoholic beverages at deer camp: Whiskey and beer. Anyone found with a fine merlot will be beaten.
  7. No hunting while drunk!  I am serious about this one. Turbo Moline got peppered with buck shot last year because Lute Fenwick thought he looked like a 10-point buck after Lute downed a pint of Wild Turkey 101.  Tubro hit Lute so hard that his momma felt it.
  8. If you are a new member, we do not care how you did it in your old camp.
  9. All beer is considered community property. We all bring about 3 thirty pack cases each. No need to get fancy, cheap beer is fine.
  10. Hangovers are a legitimate excuse to sleep in.
  11. It is bad manners to point out that someone has told that joke before.
  12. Tipping the outhouse when someone is inside is grounds for execution.
  13. We stop hunting to watch football games.

Post your deer camp pictures over at my Facebook profile.



Worst Halloween Candy

Halloween is comin’ up soon and once again we will be passing out candy to little trick or treaters dressed up as princesses and ghosts and goblins and super heroes.

I am a big fan of Halloween.  The one time of year you can knock on someone’s door and say “Trick or treat” and get some candy. Try that any other night of the year.  I did once and got carted off to jail for the night. I may have been drinking.

It just don’t work on June 7, but it does on October 31.

I give out good candy on Halloween.  You dress up good, say please and thank you and you will find that chocolate candy bars, Skittles and peanut butter cups might be in a handful of candy from ol’ Elwood.

I also give out bad candy on Halloween.  I reserve the bad stuff for rude kids, teenagers who don’t even wear a costume but still want candy, and people who knock on the door after I have turned out the lights and blowed the candle out in the jack-o-lantern.

I recommend the two-candy bowl system.  First, it teaches kids to not be jerks because I tell them why they are getting the bad candy.  Second, it makes some of them not come back next year. Third, I get a lot of free toilet paper some years.

So, if you want to provide the worst candy possible, here is my list of the worst Halloween candy:

Elwood’s List of Bad Halloween Candy

Good N Plenty – Are the good: No. Are they Plenty: Yes. There is where the problem lies.

Candy Corn – Candy corn is made from crushed dreams and wax.

Jelly Beans (that aren’t Jelly Bellies) – Jelly beans are nasty. And the black licorice ones are even nastier still.

Nothing says "Never knock on my door again" like a handful of Necco wafers.

Nothing says “Never knock on my door again” like a handful of Necco wafers.

Necco Wafers – Sweet chalk.  That’s it, just sweet chalk that sort of tastes like fruit.

Circus Peanuts – If Satan made a candy, this would be it.

Anything NOT candy – Fruit, spare change, toothbrushes, potted meat and Chick Tracks.