Louise Carpwaller came back into town after our little dust-up in Key West a while back. She got bent out of shape and was chasing me down Duval Street with a steak knife.
It was a deal breaker for me.
Louise is a category six on the bunny boiler scale. If you don’t know what that means, dust off your copy of Fatal Attraction and watch it again. In Fatal Attraction, Glenn Close plays this chick who spends one night doing stuff with Michael Douglas, but he is married to Anne Archer. Glenn Close is actually as crazy as Mel Gipson on mescaline and feels like she got done wrong by Michael Douglas. So, she decides to try to get his attention with various hijinks, including boiling Michael Douglas and Anne Archer’s little girl’s pet bunny. And that is where you get the phrase “Bunny Boiler”. It is a very educational film. Every man should watch it.
Anyway, Louise Carpwaller makes that Glenn Close’s crazy chick look like Maria from The Sound of Music. Clingy. Just a little bit.
Anywho, I think a caught a break in that department, because I think Louise done got herself a new victim. She came into the Panky Lube & Tire Emporium while I was balancing out a new set of tires. Louise had this look on her face like she had done won $20 in scratch off cards. You got to be careful when talking with Louise, she could start an argument in an empty house.
She took a deep breath and said, “Elwood, I am seeing someone else.”
“Louise, I need to know who that someone else is.”
“Now Elwood, you don’t need to go start a fight. It’s over between us.”, she said, with just a bit of excited glee in her crazy little eye.
I looked at Louise, and in my most serious and sincere tone said, “Darlin’, I don’t want to beat anyone up. I want to know who to send the 30 pack of beer and the condolence card to.”
You know, getting hit with a tire iron hurts. That woman is crazy as a cat in a burlap bag.
That is what leads me to this list. My personal code if you will.
Elwood Jenkins List of Women To Avoid:
1. Married women. Guns don’t kill people. Husbands who get home early kill people. Plus, if you root around with some married chick, don’t be surprised when you get home early one day and find her with another man. Or the local vo-tech school’s basketball team. Including the mascot and towel boy. All at the same time.
“I went on Google Earth today. Whose car was that in your driveway June 6, 2008?”
2. Crazy chicks.
This can be difficult to avoid. Sometimes a woman will look and act completely normal. This is a trap. Then one day you get home and she has burned all your high school yearbooks because of something a girl wrote in it 20 years ago. All phone calls will be screened and if you even make eye contact with another woman, you are fooling around on her. Hello Louise Carpwaller, are you reading this you psycho?
3. Younger women. You might be saying, “Elwood, what the heck!? Younger women are pretty and hot and all put together nice!” Yes they are, and so you need to ask yourself why would they be hanging around your old, tired butt? Either you got money, or they got issues. Let me give you my take on younger women. They are a lot like a fancy sports car. Fun to look at with some really nice curves, but if you plan on driving one for any length of time, it’s probably gonna cost you alot and you are gonna find that it ain’t worth the headache to maintain it. Stick with a good solid American ride.
4. Vegan hippy chicks. They will try to convert you to living on a diet of beans, tofu and brown rice. You will be sneaking through fast food joints at 11 p.m. at night trying to scarf down a triple cheeseburger. And make sure you get rid of the wrappers and bags if you don’t want a lecture of how “Meat is murder” or how you are responsible for greenhouse gasses. That brings me to another reason to avoid these chicks. Because of their diet, vegetarians emit more noxious, ozone and nostril hair destroying gasses than the tailpipe of a 1978 Olds Cutlass.
5. The Man-hater. All men are dogs. All men cheat. All men ruined her life. Run. Run real far, real fast. He done her wrong, but YOU are gonna pay for it.
If any of you folks want to ask about relationship advice, I will act like I care and maybe answer you on this here website. Go HERE and ask away.