Ugly Women


Lute Fenwick’s Ex.

There are ugly women out there and they need to be told they are ugly.

I know that is not exactly something that is popular to say these days when you are supposed to think about people’s feelings and all, but I can’t be silent any more.

I get in trouble for telling the truth sometimes.  I once pointed out that a woman was ugly in a group of folks, and some ugly woman got mad and called me a “Massage-O-Nist”.  It was kind of weird that she tried to insult me by saying I am a masseur (that’s Frenchy talk for guy that massages folks).  I told her that I have been known to give a good back-rub, but I am not any sort of specialist or anything. I thanked her and she looked confused, or maybe she always looked like that. I dunno, it was hard to tell because she was ugly.

You may be saying, “But Elwood, external beauty is only skin deep.”  That is very true, and ugly goes to the bone.  If you ain’t even got a skin’s worth of beauty, you might need to work on your social skills or learn to cook really good.

You ever been out with your buddies and see an ugly women who acts like she is pretty?  She’ll toss that hair like she’s in a shampoo commercial and strut around like she just won the local beauty pageant. It’s heartbreaking really.

I blame the ugly women’s friends.

All you ugly gals, I have been watching how your friends treat you. Your friends are lying to you.  They tell you, “Oh , darlin’ you are so cute! I would just kill for your eyes!”  They might kill for your eyes, but they wouldn’t touch your face with someone else’s hand.  Or they might say, “You have such a great personality, and someday the right man is going to see you and carry you away.” What they mean is “It’s a good thing you’re nice, maybe some blind guy is going to come along someday, and let’s hope he has a strong back.”

You ugly woman, might be asking yourself, “Why would my friends lie to me?” Because you make your friends look good. You might not want a bologna sandwich, but put some dirt on cracker next to it, and that bologna sandwich looks pretty good. You take an average looking chick and pair her up with an ugly friend, and that average chick looks a whole lost closer to Kate Upton than before.

There are levels of looks. In almost any group of women going out on the town you will have the following levels of looks, plus or minus a few degrees:

  1. Good lookin’ – the really pretty ones that never want to dance or give you a working phone number
  2. Kinda cute – Okay after a few beers or it is close to closing time and the Good lookin’ ones turned you down.
  3. Ugly – A gorilla in a halter top is asking me to dance

It’s the good lookin’ women who set all this up.  Blame them. I’m just breaking the bad news. Ugly women, your friends are using you.

I realize I am opening myself up to all you pretty and cute girls getting mad at me for spilling the beans. Tough, you should have danced with me when I asked.

And no, it ain’t the same for ugly men. Ugly men have it better. Even a really ugly man can land at least an average woman.

I know, it ain’t fair ladies. If I was y’all, I would be mad at Christie Brinkley for starting all this when she married Billy Joel.

Or for you youngsters out there who don’t know who Billy Joel is, blame Katy Perry and Travis McCoy.

kp and tmccoy ugly

Yes, this really happened. Either she lost a bet, or he signed his soul away to the devil.

So ugly women, take heart. Somewhere out there is a guy who might be willing to lower his standards, or just flat chunk ’em out the window. I hear Lute Fenwick is looking again.