Elwood Jenkins’ Tips For Life and Stuff Like That

Since my blog has started being real popular in the GPCMSA (Greater Perry County Metropolitan Statistical Area), lots of young people have been asking for advice of one kind or another from their ol’ uncle Elwood.

Since I believe that the children are the future and all that crap, here is Elwood Jenkins’ Tips For Life and Stuff Like That.  Mostly, I learned all this my own self and am passing along my wisdom to you.

  1. When pulled over by the police for speeding, don’t remind them that your tax dollars pay their salary.  You would think that the police would be all impressed with your knowing all about civics and such.  Well, they ain’t.
  2. If you got bumps on your noggin, say from a police baton because you got all smart mouthed, try a bag of frozen lima beans as an ice pack.  It works good. It don’t melt and run down your back, and lima beans suck for eating.
  3. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.  You would be surprised at how many areas in life this covers.
  4.  There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
  5.  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.  I sure miss my friend Bubba. His last words were, “You know what I think I forgot?”
  6.  When that pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
  7. You people who drive a car – It ain’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
  8.  Uranus has 27 moons.  This ain’t important for living a good life or anything, but I  bet you giggled when you read it.
  9.  Nothing is really idiot proof because the world keeps building better idiots.
  10.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

So there you go.  Some free advice.