Monthly Archives: April 2015

Day 2 – Part2 Electric Boogaloo: Elwood P. Jenkins Trip Report To Disney World

My nephew Eugene Titweller is what some people call a computer geek.  He’s the kind of kid that we used to beat up and put headfirst into a trash can back in the day when things made sense.  Now, being a nerd is cool and I am more enlightened about feelings these days. The most I ever do to Eugene is thump him on the ear, because he’s  family.

So, as we were rolling down the turnpike and blowing through SunPass lanes with mud on my license plate, we started talking about how to get tickets for Disney World and a place to us to stay.

That is classy and fancy.

I wanted to stay at the Rodeway Inn on 192. They had a gas station right on the parking lot of the hotel according to some feller in a chat room.  I thought that was cool man.  If you want Mt. Dew and a Slim Jim at 2 a.m., there ya go – that is the definition of convenience and class.

But Eugene said he found a deal where we can get free tickets and a condo for just $199 bucks for the whole stay. Since we were spending Eugene’s tax refund, I thought that sounded OK.  He said all we gotta do is sit in on some sort of meeting where they show us around the place for a couple of hours and they try to sell us a timeshare.  Sounded like a plan to me.

So, we find these condos, and let me tell you something, this place was fancy man! All these pretty little houses all jammed together, palm trees just a swayin’, and a real nice pool that I thought would be great to try my new floating beer cooler contraption.

Eugene goes into the office and comes back out and says, “Here is our tickets and our room keys, but they want us to make an appointment for the sales presentation.”

“Let’s see,” I said, “we are leaving on Thursday morning…book it for Thursday afternoon.”

Eugene started whining about that he had to put his credit card number down and he was afraid they would charge him for us skipping out on the tour.  I told him to relax, that I had a plan.  I didn’t tell him that the plan was that they would probably charge his card, but I hate sitting through those timeshare sales presentations because I can’t say no.

High pressure sales presentations are how I ended up with an expensive vacuum cleaner, a magazine subscription to Vogue, and my fourth wife. Hell, I always get upsold from medium to large at Sonic and with an order of fried mozzarella sticks to boot.

So we get settled into the condo, and the discussion came up about who gets the big, king sized bedroom.  I had to flip Lute and Eugene for the big room.  I flipped them pretty good too, because both of them are little guys and I had one month of Tie-Kwon-Doe classes I won at a church raffle. I Kung-Foo’d them until they agreed that I really did need the big bedroom.

After we unpacked our luggage, and by luggage I mean the plastic bags from Dollar General Store. Then we headed out to the pool.

The pool was OK, but there was some foreign sounding guy wearing a banana hammock that made him look like he was smuggling plums.  He had gold chains and enough hair on his back to weave a Navaho blanket.

He said his name was Dieter from Darmstatd, and he said either he was there to neuter a goat or that the was there with his wife and kids.  His accent was pretty thick.

Dieter was friendly enough, and was impressed with the floating NASCAR cooler I brought with us.  After a few dozen Natty Lights, we had him singing Freebird with us and doing belly flops off the edge of the pool.  Later on we took Dieter out to a Waffle House and let Eugene buy us all a round of quarter cheeseburger plates with scattered, smothered and covered hashbrowns.  He even yacked in the parking lot like one of us.  This magical place brought together someone from the other side of the world and normal American people like us.

Next time, I’ll talk about going to the Magic Kingdom  and how Lute Fenwick found out drinking a half-gallon of chocolate milk and eating a half-dozen Krispy Cremes, then  riding that tea cup ride goes together like Too Live Crew and the Pentecostal Church.

Day 2 – Part1: Elwood P. Jenkins Trip Report To Disney World

This trip report is true, 100% sort of almost. Some details might have been changed to protect us from getting sued or to make me look awesome.

After telling cousin Nadine goodbye and her giving us a sack full of sausage and biscuits for the road, me, Lute Fenwick and my nephew Eugene Titweller loaded back up into the Pacer and hit the road again.

Things were going pretty good as we rolled out of Eufaula. Until we ran into the motorcycle gang around Tifton, Georgia.

We had pulled into Herschel’s Gas ‘n Git to top off the gas tank and dump out the plastic milk jug. Eugene was heading into the store to get some Slim Jim’s and soda when he accidentally bumped into the meanest, hairiest, nastiest, gap-toothed, smelly biker you ever did see.  The biker grabbed a double fist of Eugene’s shirt and lifted him up to eye level and said, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going, you little elbow”.

Now, the biker did not actually say “elbow”, but since this is a family type place I felt the need to substitute a fairly non-offensive body part.

Eugene managed to squeak out, “I’m very very sorry sir!”  He also managed not to pee his pants, which I thought was pretty good on Eugene’s part.

The biker shook Eugene harder and yelled in his face, ” WHO ARE YOU CALLING SIR! I AM A LADY!”.

Uh oh.  We had run into a member of the roughest, meanest, all female biker gang out there: The Unshorn Sisters of The Apocalypse.

She looked kinda like this, but with highlights and nail polish.

She looked kinda like this, but with highlights and nail polish.

These gals were bad news. My buddy Bobby Martinez ran into a bunch of them one time in a pool hall around Tulsa. He up and called one of them “darlin” as he opened the door for a group of The Sisters.  Bad mistake.  Afterwards, it took doctors a good hour to remove the pool cue from poor ol’ Bobby’s….um…elbow.  Bobby still rocks back and forth and cries sometimes.

There was about to be violence.  I had to do something.

I did the only thing I could do. I walked right over, looked her square in the eye and said, “I don’t have any idea who this guy is, Ms. Sister. Never seen him before in my life. I’ll leave you to  your business. Good day to you.”

No use in all of us getting a butt whoopin’.

Just then, Lute came around the corner, saw what was going on and said, “Darleen?”

The big, hairy biker, turned around and said, “Lute?? Oh lord, it’s you! Luteeee!!  C’mere baby!”  She dropped poor Eugene, and grabbed up ol’ Lute in a bear hug and started kissing on him.

Apparently, Lute was her old man for a while when she was with the chapter in Little Rock, until she left him for a Chippendales dancer.  All was forgiven after that. The Sister’s bought our gas, fed us lunch, and even gave us an escort down I-75 almost to Lake City, Florida.  They had leave us there and hit I-10 to head over to Pensacola for a biker rally.

Lute’s legendary lack of discretion, complete absence of standards and apparently non-existent olfactory senses in his dating life had saved our backsides.

We keep a going down the Interstate until we hit the turnpike.  Now the turnpike is a toll road.  I have a moral objection to toll roads.  I pay taxes.  Ok, I pay taxes on gas and beer. Elwood don’t pay to use a toll road.  I just slap a little little bit of mud on the license plate and blast right through the SunPass tolls.

We made it through without getting pulled over, but here is a bit of advice if you get pulled over by the cops:

  1. Remind them that YOU pay their salary. They will appreciate that you know that and that you are reminding them.
  2. I was a Jr. Reserve Deputy back in high school for the county Sheriff.  I don’t mind playing that card.  I also use it to pick up women. Chicks dig cops.
  3. If you just relax, body cavity searches aren’t that bad.

Next time, I’ll talk about how Walt Disney World tries to hornswaggle you into paying big-elbowed ticket prices and what we did to get tickets. It did not involve me doing exotic dances you bunch of weirdos.

Day 1: Elwood P. Jenkins Trip Report To Disney World

This trip report is true, 100% sort of almost. Some details might have been changed to protect us from getting sued or to make me look awesome.

Me, Lute Fenwick, and my nephew Eugene Titweller decided that we would go to Disney World after Eugene got his tax check in the mail. He wanted to spend it on a new big screen HD TV, but after calmly and rationally putting him in a headlock, I convinced him and he decided to take us all to Disney World in Orlando.  We had already been to Magic Springs and Silver Dollar City before and wanted to see what all the fuss was about with this Disney World stuff.

My sweet ride. I call it the “Love Turtle” ladies.

So we loaded up my cherry red 1981 AMC Pacer and hit the road.  We left Perry County at about 9 in the morning. By the time we hit Conway, Eugene was already fussing about wanting to pull over and use the bathroom.  I told him we brought that empty milk jug for a reason and to be extra careful of the new seat covers I got from Dollar General Store.

We made good time on I-40 until we hit road construction just outside Memphis. Lute, who was bored and already drunker than 10 (***censored by the high sheriffs – I ain’t supposed to refer to “indigenous populations” in that way***) decided to moon the road crew and almost got us all beat up.We talked our way out of it by giving them a few of Lute’s beers out of the cooler and they were cool after that.

These are deadly man.

We stopped in Olive Branch, Mississippi to gas up and get some pork rinds, burrito and picked eggs. From there, we made pretty good time through Mississippi and Alabama until we got to my cousin Nadine’s house in Eufaula, Alabama. She put us up in a pretty nice pop-up camper in the back yard, but Eugine was killing us because he picked up six of those heat-lamp burritos back in Olive Branch. He kept trying to blame it on Lute. So they got into a fight and I had to tell them I would load them up and take them back to Perry County if they didn’t knock it off right dang now! Since Eugene wants to have his picture made with that chick from Beauty and the Beast and the monkey guy from the Lion King, he backed off real quick.

That is day one down.  When I post about day 2, I’ll tell you some tips on getting out of paying on toll roads.