My cousin, Matthew Jenkins, won’t be asking me to take him hunting this year. He probably never will again.
See, what happened was this. Last November, Matthew came down to Bubba’s Bar with me and Bobby Martinez to shoot some pool. Well, the subject turns to deer huntin’. Me and Bobby made the mistake of talking about our hunting plans for next morning in front of Matthew. Matthew gets all twitchy and excited, “Guys, that is a great idea! I’ll meet you tomorrow morning!”
You ever been around someone who invites themselves along? Annoying ain’t it?
Here’s a couple of things about Matthew:
- He thinks he knows everything ’bout deer huntin’ cuz he reads all these huntin’ magazines and watches all the huntin’ shows on cable and listens to Ted Nugent music.
- He lives in Little Rock. He’s all cityfied. He tries to be normal, like me, but just can’t. He gets his hair done at a salon! Real men go to a barber.
- He is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
So, Matthew meets me and Bobby the next morning at the Gas -n- Git to load up his gear in my 1981 AMC Pacer that I call The Love Turtle. While Matthew is putting all his stuff in the car, me and Bobby load up on all our usual deer hunting food. I got a bunch of beef jerky, some chocolate covered peanuts, a couple of Dr. Peppers and a can of vi-eeny sausages.
We got about a 20-mile ride down some dirt roads to our deer stands. All the way there, Matthew starts goin’ on about how he has washed his hunting clothes in some kinds of stuff that blocks ultraviolet light and how he has some deer urine he will sprinkle on his shoes. Then Matthew tells us he will not be on a stand, that he will be stalking his deer like Ted Nugent does on TV. He keeps on and on about how he will look for deer sign and deer rubs and such.
Bobby Martinez asked Matthew, “What is deer sign?”
Matthew tells him, “Deer poop.”
Now that is just dumb. If its deer poop just call it deer poop. I don’t tell everyone “Hey, better light the candle and get the air freshener, I gotta go ‘sign’.” But like I said, Matthew is all cityfied and likes to use big words.
So we listen to this stuff for half-hour till we finally get to our deer stands. I drop Bobby off at his stand and me and Matthew drive down about a half-mile to mine.
Matthew says, “Ok, I am going to look for deer sign over here and stalk my kill”
I say, “Ok, I am going to plant my butt here on this metal folding chair in my ground stand, drink Dr. Pepper and wait for my deer.”
So, off he goes. About a half-hour later, I see Matthew ‘stalking’ and looking for ‘deer sign’. I thought stalking meant you walked real quiet, but he sounded like a heifer with a clubhoof out there. Apparently, he ain’t found no sign.
Then, I reached for my chocolate covered peanuts and got a real funny idea.
Don’t get grossed out. This is really chocolate covered peanuts.
I walked about 30-yards into the woods behind my stand and poured the whole box of chocolate covered peanuts on the ground.
I waited until Matthew stalked close by and whispered, “Hey! Matthew! Deer sign!”
So anyhow, Matthew comes over, looks at them and says, “Hmmmm”
Then he looks at the pile of ‘sign’ a little more and says, “Ahhhhh. Yes. This deer was just here a moment ago and looks to be traveling West-Northwest at leisurely pace.”
I then look down at the pile of ‘sign’ and say, “Ahhhh. Yes. I agree Matthew.” Then I reach down and pick up three of the pieces of ‘sign’ and put them in the palm of my hand. I take one and roll it around between my thumb and finger and say, “Yup. Hmmm. Yup.”
Then I pop the ‘sign’ in my mouth and roll it around. Matthew’s jaw hits his belt-buckle and his eyes are bugged out really far.
I look right at Matthew and say, “Matthew, I think this was a buck.”
I pop another in my mouth, wait a second and say, “Yup, definitely a buck….eight pointer..no…seven pointer. He broke off a piece of antler about…oh…an hour ago in a fight with a…ten pointer”
Matthew starts making a real funny high-pitched sound in his throat and shaking really bad.
I pop the third piece in my mouth and say, “Hmmm. Acorns”
Right after I said “Acorns” , Matthew yacked up everything he had for breakfast since last week. Then he passed out.
After he wakes up, we all load up in the Love Turtle and drive off.
He was really quiet, which was nice. Really nice.
Nope, we won’t have to take him hunting again. You know, to this day he can’t even look at a chocolate covered peanut or listen to Ted Nugent.