Friends, I try not to get too serious on this blog. I try to have fun, maybe make you laugh or at least crack a smile.
But sometimes, things happen that ain’t funny. Things that happened in my very own state of Arkansas that I need to talk about. What happened was this:
A woman named Eva Hicks was shopping at a Wal-Mart in Centerton, Arkansas. That is in the Northwest part of the state.
She asked a lady to please move so she could get by and the old bat went off on her and another lady who commented on her behavior. I’ll not repeat it all here, you can watch the video. Spoiler alert: Jerkface McRacist (I don’t know her real name, but this fits) gets invited the leave by the management of Wal-Mart.
I’m guessing Jerkface McRacist is not a smart, educated woman. I bet you a trip to Branson (with Bald Knobbers tickets) that the only 100 percent this woman ever got on a test involved her peeing on a stick.
I want people to know, we are all not like this in Arkansas. Most people I know are good, decent folks. And I am tired of the few folks who make us look like racist, stupid hicks by being…racist, stupid hicks.
If you are a racist jerkstick who thinks you are better than others because of the melanin level of your skin, just do us all a favor and do the following:
Think and ponder for a moment about what you are going to say. Then just shut-up.
If I don’t like you, I am judging you because you are a jerk and not because of the color of your skin or what country your ancestors came from.
Ok, I’ll also judge you for what music you listen to, wearing male rompers, and not liking dogs.
If you are a good person, you are golden with me.
As I type this, I have no idea who this woman is. But here is her photo:
Someone knows her. Make her famous folks. Show the video to your kids as an example of how NOT to act.
I don’t want to make you short guys with Little Man Disease mad, but what is your problem little fella?
Some you y’all may be asking, “Elwood, what is Little Man Disease?”. Well, it is sometimes called banty rooster syndrome. Banty roosters are little bitty, but stay madder than a Mexican feminist at a Donald Trump rally.
Not all short dudes have LMD. Some are just normal guys that need some help with stuff on the top shelf.
Guys with LMD got a chip on their shoulder. Sometimes they try and make up for it by being mean and onery.
We got a guy here in the Magnolia Blossom Trailer Park named Pee Wee Merrill. Pee Wee’s real name is Bret. He wears a lot of Tap Out and Ed Hardy t-shirts about three sized too small. Which is weird, because he is so little I figure he must buy them in the little boy section to get them that tight. He spikes up his hair with a lot of hair goop and struts around like he is able to wrestle a bear.
Most fellas with LMD are kind of like Pee Wee. Most are under 5′ 6″, and can be spotted spitting, twitching, swearing, speaking loudly and talking tough. They usually can be seen driving big, jacked-up pick-up trucks. Which is kind of funny because they ain’t getting up there without a step or ladder.
Sometimes, they will threaten a bigger guy. Usually, the bigger guy just laughs which makes the little feller really mad.
One time Pee Wee got fired because he heard his boss say that they were short-handed at the gym where he worked (little guys can often be found working in gyms) and took it wrong. He got in his bosses face and cussed him out. He had to go get two steps from the aerobics room to do it, which made him even madder. That’s not even why he got fired though. What got him fired was falling off the aerobics steps and landing on his bosses wife. You can’t just fall on your bosses wife and not expect consequences.
Now, if any of you little fellers read this and get all mad, just send me a video telling me about it. Its just so danged cute!
Hey, guess what happens every four years? Well, besides the Summer Olympics.
We elect another President.
Ever since we started posting pictures of our pets and Waffle House meals on social media, some of us decided that when it comes to all political stuff, that we are entitled to Your opinion.
On behalf of many of us out there, let me just say this:
“We do not care about your political opinions.”
If political posts were more along the lines of “Hey, this is what I think and why I think it” or “I am voting for so-and-so because of X-Y&Z.” and we could all respond nicely, I would have no problem with y’all. But we can’t.
See, I have my opinions. Your hateful comment and meme are not going to change my mind. I say hateful, because there ain’t many positive political memes or comments I see out there on the Interwebs.
Now, I know you some of you just feel the need to change our minds with a link to an article or column that backs up your ideas or candidate. Or a photo of the candidate or candidates you don’t like in a photoshopped image with a goat. But really, what are you accomplishing?
Just so you get an idea of where your political opinion ranks on my list of things to care about, let me give you this list of other stuff I don’t care about that is on the same level as your political opinions:
The Cleveland Browns
The Dave Matthews Band
The JC Penny Women’s Spring Line
The 5th dentist in those Trident commercials
Florida-Georgia Line and all current country music
The gross annual GNP of Trinidad & Tobago
What your baby did today
Why you like Greek yogurt better than regular yogurt
It wasn’t anything I wanted, believe me. But, when you have had enough, you have had enough and sometimes you got to act.
See, on Christmas Eve, momma was cooking Christmas dinner and needed another box of Jiffy Corn Muffin mix for the corn casserole because she used the last box for the corn casserole on Thanksgiving.
So I go out and get into the automotive perfection that is the Love Turtle. The Love Turtle is my mint condition 1981 AMC Pacer. Its painted baboon-butt red with flames down the side. Yeah, its pretty sweet and it ain’t for sale.
Anywho, I drove over to the Piggly Wiggly to get some Jiffy Corn Muffin mix for momma’s corn casserole. I wasn’t wanting no trouble.
But there this dude was. He was one of those bell ringers. Now, I know the money goes to help folks. I do. But, they need to rethink their marketing approach. Ringing a bell, CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG is fine the first couple of times, but starts to get on my nerves after the fourth or fifth week.
But this fella ringing the bell outside the Piggly Wiggly crossed the line from bell ringing to something obscene.
I ain’t no angel. I gotta tell you that, but this man was doing this in front of women, children and impressionable pets. He was ringing and singing a medley of Justin Bieber songs.
I must have blacked out because the next thing I know, I am being cuffed and stuffed and taken to the county lock-up. According to some who witnessed the event, it was reported that somewhere during the chorus of “Baby, Baby” I allegedly lost it. Apparently, he had to have the bell surgically removed.
I have no clear recollection. That’s what my lawyer, Lowber Wilcox says to say anyway.
Lowber is a good lawyer, because his picture is on the back of the phone book. I bet they don’t let just any lawyer put their face on the back of a phone book. He says he can probably get me off with some community service and a fine.
You meet some real interesting people in jail. I met a guy named Rufus who was in jail because he has a real interest in home chemistry. Rufus’ hobbies also included shaking like a dog trying to pass a pine cone, not sleeping, and losing his teeth.
There was a guy named Jackson waiting in the jail there before he went to Federal court because he appreciated art. Art that looks like twenty dollar bills. He was making his own.
Then there was a guy in there from a motorcycle gang, and he made quite an impression on us. He impressed on us to give him our desserts, tobacco products, and pretty much anything else he wanted. And we were glad to do it, because Mr. Bonecrusher was a fine gentleman and only beat on us when we had it coming. You know, like when our shadow would touch his shadow and for breathing the same air. All very good reasons for mopping the floors with our faces.
And I am certain that there is no way that Mr. Bonecrusher could have chopped up an entire family and set their house on fire.
And Mr. Bonecrusher, if you are reading this and are upset in anyway, my actual real name is Lute Fenwick.
I was in the Waffle House getting my scattered, smothered and covered on with my quarter cheese plate. I was minding my own dang business. Not bothering no one.
Then, my cousin Turbo Moline came through the door. I was hoping Turbo wouldn’t see me, but it is kind of hard to be incognito sitting at the counter at a Waffle House. Especially when you are as gosh danged good looking as me.
Turbo is the kind of guy that believes anything and everything he reads on the Internet. Then, because you can’t keep that level of dumb bottled up inside, he feels the urge to send loads of crap to everyone on his Facebook friend’s list by either posting it to their profile, sending it in a message, or….and this one really makes me want to drop kick him into next week…by tagging me.
He comes up and sits beside me at the counter.
“Hey Turbo.” See, I can be nice.
“Hey Elwood. Say did you see my post today?”
“Nope, I was doing important stuff this morning. Like, jabbing a rusty nail up my nose.” This statement didn’t even phase Turbo and he went on.
“You need to check your Facebook page Elwood. I posted a thing on your wall that will get you $100,000 from none other than Bill Gates himself if you just repost it.”
“That ain’t true Turbo. Everyone knows that ain’t true.”
Then Turbo said the thing all these kinds of boneheads say when they post stupid stuff like that, “Well, you never know.”
That is when I put him in a headlock and executed a figure-four on him that would have made the Nature Boy himself proud. I even gave a big ol’ “Whooooooo!”. I can’t come back to Waffle House for a while, but my Waffle House bans are always temporary because I am a good tipper.
Numbnut Facebook posting offenders like Turbo almost always say “Well you never know” after they post stuff that makes outlandish claims.
Yes, dang it people you can know. I am pretty sure that just by sharing or re-posting something, that the following will not happen:
Bill Gates will not give you money
You will not get airline tickets
You will not get Disney tickets
The Almighty will not single you out for extra special financial blessings. Pretty sure God ain’t a genie granting wishes.
And another thing that I need all the boneheads out there to realize:
Just because I don’t re-post something does not mean I don’t love Jesus, America, our veterans, puppies and kittens, or that I don’t respect the flag!
First before we get goin’, let me just give you folks a tip: Do not EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. EVER. No, I will not go any dang further. Trust me, I just KNOW.
Well as you folks know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. You can always tell because the fake Christmas trees have been up for two months at the Wal-Mart store and all the Halloween stuff is on sale at 75% off.
Now, you people need to know that I love Thanksgiving. That time of year when we all are thankful for all the blessings we have had through the year. And what better way to show that thankfulness than getting together with those people you only see once a year and still manage to get into a fight: Your family.
I am all for family. In very small doses. The best way to survive your family at Thanksgiving is to eat, then get them out of your home as quickly as possible.
Sometimes, it might be your turn to have Thanksgiving at your place You need to get those folks out of your home as soon as possible so you can get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch.
Here are some tips for clearing out your home after Thanksgiving Dinner:
Don’t wait: Get in your own recliner in your underdrawers, watch some football, and scratch. They’ll get the hint.
Fill your plate up, and then take it to the kitchen, toss all of the food into the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and then don’t say anything more.
Put the turkey in the middle of the table, then loudly exclaim “I hope this tastes like a turkey”.
Right in the middle of eatin’, turn to your momma and say, “See momma, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was a month past expiration date. You were worried for nuthin’.”
Just say the words “Obama care”, then sit back and watch the argument explosion.
Put a fake severed hand inside the turkey.
Say “I just love pumpkin pie” then make eye contact with whoever made the pie. Hold it for uncomfortably long.
Play “Wrecking Ball” out loud and gently weep as you mouth the words.
Me, Bobby Martinez and Luke Fenwick were all sitting around a table at Bubba’s Bar this last weekend.
We was talking about how come Goofy is able to drive, have a job and talk while Pluto can’t do any of those things. Goofy acts like a people type while Pluto acts like a dog. But they both look like dogs.
It just don’t make no sense.
Anyhow, we started talking about other stuff because it takes a bunch like us two pitchers of beer to figure out that we will just never know the answers to some questions in this lifetime.
With Halloween coming up and all, we started jawing about scary movies and come up with the
Scariest Movies (as picked by three drunk fellers).
Jack Nicholson is married to Shelly DuVall. And if that ain’t scary enough, he goes crazy in this haunted hotel and tries to hack up Shelly and his creepy kid with a fire axe.
I saw this when I was a kid. For a few months after, I wouldn’t even run through a sprinkler much less go swimmin’ in the lake. If I ever do ‘The Best Crusty Old Sea Dogs Ever in a Movie’ list, Robert Shaw as Quint goes to the top of the list.
I Spit On Your Grave
For those of you who never saw this, you better get ready for some of the best 1970’s exploitation ever filmed. Let me just say this:
She gets revenge.
They have it coming to ‘em, and coming big time.
Knife. Bathtub. And every dude will cross his legs. Trust me.
Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
What you say? No way Elwood!
Yes way man.
Remember, these are the top 10 scariest movies picked by drunk fellers. When you’re hammered, those danged Oompa Loompas is scary, dude.
Plus, when you watch it as a grown-up now, Willie seems a little…funny. Funny in a “Chris Hansen telling you to go have a seat over there” kind of way.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
THE classic! Leather Face and his messed up, in-bred cannibal family. Tobe Hooper made this for about $300,000. The dinner table scene is creepy as all get out. Grandpa…sheesh.
John Carpenter launched the career of one Jamie Lee Curtis. She was a screamer. Michael Myers is one of the scariest things to ever put on a William Shatner face since William Shatner.
Barbara Streisand. ‘Nuff said about that.
A Nightmare On Elm Street
The first one, and not that crappy remake they did a couple of years ago. Freddy Krueger is just plain scary here. In the movies after this, they tried to make him funny. In this one, he is one scary joker who makes a lot of teen sushi with that knife claw glove of his. Johnny Depp gets run through a bed that turns into a food processor.
That scene in the alley when his arms grow. That’ll give you a case of the shivers.
Plus it has those creepy kids singing:
Friday the 13th – All of ’em
Jason gets a hankering to make cutlets and filets out of a bunch of stupid kids. They basically just made the same movie over and over again. Which is AWESOME!
Here is a short run down of the Friday the 13th movies:
Friday The 13th – Momma did it. Creepy Jason boy jumps out of the water at the end.
Friday the 13th II – Jason starts slicing and dicing. Wears a pillowcase to cover the mush that makes up his face.
Friday the 13th III – Came out in 3D. Jason gets a hockey mask and chopper flicks get an icon.
Friday the 13th IV – Jason gets killed at the end by Cory Feldman Yes, Cory Feldman.
Friday the 13th V – Imposter Jason.
Friday the 13th VI – Jason comes back a psycho zombie.
Friday the 13th VII – Zombie Jason gets sucked off the bottom of the lake by a psychic chick. Jason goes shopping for teen yuppie meat.
Friday the 13th VIII – Zombie Jason gets on a cruise boat going to New York City and slices his way through Manhattan.
Friday the 13th IX – Zombie Jason gets blowed by the military up but you can’t keep a good zombie down.
Friday the 13th X – Zombie Jason gets thawed out in the future on a space ship and gets an upgrade. He ain’t happy.
John Carpenter did this remake that was a lot scarier than the one from back in the 1950’s.
The one in the 1950’s had Marshall Dillon as the alien. The one from the 1980’s had a German shepherd head sprouting spider legs.
Creeeepy, scary and gory.
Kurt Russell at his tail-kicking best.
Devil possessed kids is scary. Pea soup in the priest’s face. A little girl crawling down the stairs like a crazy demon spider crab child. And Linda Blair’s ugly made up face with those green funky eyes. Yeah, I won’t watch this one anymore.
So, if any of you single, available gals want to cuddle up with ol’ Elwood and watch a few of these you can send me an e-mail at email@example.com.
He said he learned his lesson and would not be all high an mighty acting. He is bad ‘bout talking down to everyone about hunting because he watches Ted Nugent hunting shows and other shows on the Outdoor Network and thinks he knows everything about deer hunting.
I told him he gets one more chance and that he needs to remember the simple rules of deer camp.
Matthew said, “Oh, you mean like a deer camp ‘etiquette’?”
After he said that, I had to stare at him with a flat gaze until he looked way. Can’t have that kind of language at deer camp. Dang it, Ted, you need to cover that in your hunting show.
The Rules of Deer Camp
Never EVER ask what is in the stew. Don’t even look at the stew too close. Just splash in some hot sauce, crunch up some crackers, shut your eyes and dig in. Friendships have been lost and people have been hurt because someone asked what was in the stew.
Do not point out that someone is lying. Lying is not only tolerated in deer camp, it is expected. Some lies told at deer camp are so good even the liar believes ‘em.
When lying about the deer you missed, you cannot add more than 4 points to the rack.
Clothes must be worn at meals. We call this the “Fenwick Policy”. Thanks for that Lute.
This is deer camp. We will be burping, pooting, cussing, spitting, smoking cigars, lying and drinking. And that is just among the women. The guys tend to be more coarse.
There are two accepted alcoholic beverages at deer camp: Whiskey and beer. Anyone found with a fine merlot will be beaten.
No hunting while drunk! I am serious about this one. Turbo Moline got peppered with buck shot last year because Lute Fenwick thought he looked like a 10-point buck after Lute downed a pint of Wild Turkey 101. Tubro hit Lute so hard that his momma felt it.
If you are a new member, we do not care how you did it in your old camp.
All beer is considered community property. We all bring about 3 thirty pack cases each. No need to get fancy, cheap beer is fine.
Hangovers are a legitimate excuse to sleep in.
It is bad manners to point out that someone has told that joke before.
Tipping the outhouse when someone is inside is grounds for execution.
Halloween is comin’ up soon and once again we will be passing out candy to little trick or treaters dressed up as princesses and ghosts and goblins and super heroes.
I am a big fan of Halloween. The one time of year you can knock on someone’s door and say “Trick or treat” and get some candy. Try that any other night of the year. I did once and got carted off to jail for the night. I may have been drinking.
It just don’t work on June 7, but it does on October 31.
I give out good candy on Halloween. You dress up good, say please and thank you and you will find that chocolate candy bars, Skittles and peanut butter cups might be in a handful of candy from ol’ Elwood.
I also give out bad candy on Halloween. I reserve the bad stuff for rude kids, teenagers who don’t even wear a costume but still want candy, and people who knock on the door after I have turned out the lights and blowed the candle out in the jack-o-lantern.
I recommend the two-candy bowl system. First, it teaches kids to not be jerks because I tell them why they are getting the bad candy. Second, it makes some of them not come back next year. Third, I get a lot of free toilet paper some years.
So, if you want to provide the worst candy possible, here is my list of the worst Halloween candy:
Elwood’s List of Bad Halloween Candy
Good N Plenty – Are the good: No. Are they Plenty: Yes. There is where the problem lies.
Candy Corn – Candy corn is made from crushed dreams and wax.
Jelly Beans (that aren’t Jelly Bellies) – Jelly beans are nasty. And the black licorice ones are even nastier still.
Nothing says “Never knock on my door again” like a handful of Necco wafers.
Necco Wafers – Sweet chalk. That’s it, just sweet chalk that sort of tastes like fruit.
Circus Peanuts – If Satan made a candy, this would be it.
Anything NOT candy – Fruit, spare change, toothbrushes, potted meat and Chick Tracks.