In addition to being an expert in lots of things, I am also single. I understand women because I have been married 6 or 7 times. (I say 6 or 7 because I married one of them twice, and I ain’t too sure on how to count that one).
What I am looking for in a woman is:
- I am looking for a hot blooded, all-American woman who has most of her natural teeth. No druggies or crazies.
- You must love country music or classic rock. If you like anything by the Backstreet Boys or One Direction, don’t bother applying.
- I have a coon dog named Scooter and he is my bestest friend. Scooter gets to sleep in the bed with us. If you are worried about the smell, Scooter got used to it and so can you.
- You have to be able to cook. I like tuna casserole.
- You must be able to accept that I will not be here much during November at all. It’s deer season.
- The TV remote is mine. You can use it if I am out or asleep.
Now, I realize that love and relationships are a two-way street. I learned that from an episode of Dr. Phil I was forced into watching in the waiting room when Grandma had her gallbladder took out.
So, since I am a sensitive man, here is what I bring to the table:
- I understand that some women types like to watch different kind of shows than the good stuff men watch like NASCAR or SpikeTV. I don’t get why anyone would watch soap operas or anything on Lifetime, but I would let my woman watch the big TV if I am not home. Because I care so much about my woman getting to see her shows, I would go hang out with the guys at the bar most nights just so she could watch any dang thing her little heart desires.
- I would compliment my woman on how good she cleans the house, cooks and did my laundry. Dr. Phil says women need to hear that kind of stuff. It’s called “Validation”.
- I would never call your momma a bad name where you could hear it unless she really deserved it.
Now, if any of you women feel lucky and want to get in the running to be the next Mrs. EP Jenkins and you got any questions at all about ol’ Elwood, just shoot me an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.